Road to the Apocalypse
by AuntMo
Summary: Shortly after the events at Carthage, on a seemingly normal hunt, Dean & Cas disappear. Not knowing who else to turn to, Sam asks Gabriel for his help in locating both of their brothers. A tribute to the classic Bing Crosby/ Bob Hope Road to movies.
1. Prologue: Skin & Bones

**Author**: AuntMo

**Artist**: Vivian Tanner

**Genre**: Gen; Comedy/Humor

**Pairing (if applicable)**: None

**Rating**: PG-13 for language  
><strong>Warnings:<strong> Language; while the overall story is a comedy because it takes place during the Apocalypse there are mentions of massacres and a mention of a past run-in with a pedophile. Spoilers through 5.19 Hammers of the Gods, though it goes AU after 5.10 Abandon All Hope

**Tier/Word Count:** 5k/18,881 words (entire story)

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Supernatural or any of its characters. Nor do I own any of the Road to films or any of the other dozen or so television shows referenced herein. This was all just written for my enjoyment and hopefully yours as well.  
><strong>Summary:<strong> Shortly after the events at Carthage, on a seemingly normal hunt, Dean and Cas disappear. Not knowing who else to turn to and fearing the worst, Sam asks Gabriel for his help in locating both of their brothers. In return, Sam reluctantly agrees that Gabriel can feel free to try and convince Sam to play his role in the Apocalypse, he just isn't making any promises that he will consent to anything.

What follows next is an adventure that pays tribute to the Bing Crosby and Bob Hope _Road__ to_ movies, with a trip to a carnival where Sam has to wrestle an octopus. And Dean and Cas have disappeared into a unique set of problems of their own, leaving Dean to suspect that Sam might be in more trouble than he realizes.

**A/N**: Written for the sabriel_mini challenge over on livejournal. To see the art that goes with the story, you will need to find the links on my journal over there (auntmo9). Thank you so much to the mods, insertcode11 and wolfish_willow, who have done an amazing job at hosting the sabirel_mini. This is the first time I have participated in any challenge like this and you have made it fun and answered all my questions with grace and patience. I would also like to thank my lovely artist Vivian Tanner. I have never had the privilege of having a fic that had art to go with it and hers captured the humor of the story. I owe a debt of gratitude to my betas Jesse A Harper and novakev. Jesse A Harper has been with me all the way as a sounding board and general all around cheerleader, while novakev graciously agreed to come in late in the game and read the whole thing over as someone with an outsider's opinion. I also owe some thanks yous to some other wonderful people, but to do so now who give away some spoilers, so look for an additional note at the end.

_Prologue:Skin and Bones_

_It started out as a normal hunt. Well, as normal as a hunt as they would hope to get this year. Bobby insisted that they take it. They had done nothing but sit and mope around Bobby's house since Carthage so he had unceremoniously kicked them out with the research he had done so far, saying it would do them good and he was tired of looking at their sorry asses._

_They packed up the Impala and headed to Independence, CA. Apparently campers in the area were being killed in their sleep. The local law enforcement waved it off as careless campers who got mauled by a bear. But both Bobby's research and their own investigation showed it was much more. Whatever it was, it was stripping all the flesh and entrails from its victims, leaving those behind and taking only the bones. _

_After a little bit of digging, Sam postulated that it was likely an __O-dokuro,__ a Japanese ghoul. They were nasty things that were basically a gigantic reanimated skeleton, which even dwarfed Sam in size. Cas, who had decided to tag along with them on the hunt, said that they usually rise in locations where much human sorrow and death had taken place, and they typically leave the flesh of their victims behind and incorporate their victims' bones into their own skeleton. Armed with that knowledge Sam dug deeper into his research and discovered that just outside of Independence was the site of the Manzanar War Relocation Center, where over eleven thousand Japanese Americans were imprisoned during World War II, including where more than 140 of them had died. The camp itself was built on a site that was originally inhabited by the Paiute, along with several other Native American tribes, who were forced off the land at gunpoint after the Owens Valley Indian War of 1861-1863. Once European Americans discovered the gold and silver in the area, the sudden influx of their population brought conflict to the territory. Needless to say, between the looming Apocalypse and the history of the area, the region was ripe for a vengeful spirit to lay siege to hapless campers and locals alike._

_The only problem was, O-dokuro weren't easy to kill. Then again, when had they ever had an easy time ganking any evil bitch? They tried shooting it with salt pellets. They tried beheading it. But those things didn't seem to work. The scary-ass thing only re-assembled itself. Then Dean had the bright idea to create a sticky bomb that would actually cling to the skeleton. They ended up making a homemade version of napalm that contained a mixture of diesel fuel, large amounts of rock salt and lime-green Jell-O. They made three of them and waited until nightfall, when the thing would be sure to come out. When it did appear each of them lobbed their own bomb at the giant skeleton from different angles, which caused the ghoul to erupt into flames and explode with a great flash of light, much brighter, Sam thought, than the fire power they brought with them would account for. But this thought was driven from his mind quickly when he realized that Dean's sticky bombs actually had rid them of the ghoul, this time seemingly, for good._

_When the smoke had cleared and Sam looked around, there was no sign of the O-dokuro. However, there was also no sign of Dean or Cas either. Sam called out loudly for both of them, tried their cell phones several times and spent over an hour looking in the area without any luck finding them. He finally he gave up and drove back to the motel to begin his search anew there._

_Unseen by any human eyes, however, was the figure lurking in the shadows that had watched the entire event unfold with great interest, only to disappear when Sam Winchester had departed in the 1967 Chevy Impala._


	2. Part I: Carnival Freaks & Reality Reeks

**Title**: Road to the Apocalypse

**Author**: AuntMo

**Artist**: Vivian Tanner

**Genre**: Gen; Comedy/Humor

**Pairing (if applicable)**: None

**Rating**: PG-13 for language  
><strong>Warnings:<strong> Language; while the overall story is a comedy because it takes place during the Apocalypse there are mentions of massacres and a mention of a past run-in with a pedophile. Spoilers through 5.19 Hammers of the Gods, though it goes AU after 5.10 Abandon All Hope

**Tier/Word Count:** 5k/18,881 words (entire story)

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Supernatural or any of its characters. Nor do I own any of the Road to films or any of the other dozen or so television shows referenced herein. This was all just written for my enjoyment and hopefully yours as well.  
><strong>Summary:<strong> Shortly after the events at Carthage, on a seemingly normal hunt, Dean and Cas disappear. Not knowing who else to turn to and fearing the worst, Sam asks Gabriel for his help in locating both of their brothers. In return, Sam reluctantly agrees that Gabriel can feel free to try and convince Sam to play his role in the Apocalypse, he just isn't making any promises that he will consent to anything.

What follows next is an adventure that pays tribute to the Bing Crosby and Bob Hope _Road__ to_ movies, with a trip to a carnival where Sam has to wrestle an octopus. And Dean and Cas have disappeared into a unique set of problems of their own, leaving Dean to suspect that Sam might be in more trouble than he realizes.

**A/N**: Written for the sabriel_mini challenge over on livejournal. To see the art that goes with the story, you will need to find the links on my journal over there (auntmo9). I owe a debt of gratitude to my betas Jesse A Harper and novakev. Jesse A Harper has been with me all the way as a sounding board and general all around cheerleader, while novakev graciously agreed to come in late in the game and read the whole thing over as someone with an outsider's opinion. I also owe some thanks yous to some other wonderful people, but to do so now who give away some spoilers, so look for an additional note at the end.

Part I: Carnival Freaks and Reality Reeks

Sam ran a hand through his hair and sighed. "No, there isn't any trace of either one of them in the entire area, Bobby," he said into the phone. "I spent half the night going over the area and didn't turn up anything." As he listened to the older hunter on the other end of the phone, he typed a few things on his laptop and checked a website. "Well, at least we know it couldn't have been the O-dokuro. I know we ganked that thing, it blew up right before they disappeared. There wasn't anything left of it either. Not a trace of anything I could even salt and burn. Besides, if it would've gotten either one of them, it would have left behind flesh, and I told you, _I found nothing_."

"Yeah, well I figure it was something more menacing than your average ghoul, boy," Bobby barked through the phone. "Not too many things we've run into so far that can take out an angel."

Except another angel, Sam thought to himself, as he remembered Chuck referring to Raphael blowing Cas up like a water balloon of chunky soup. Though he hadn't seen evidence of _that_ either. "I think I'm out of my depth here Bobby.

"I'm going to need help on this one," Sam reluctantly admitted.

"I'm not going to like this, am I?" Bobby asked.

"_I_ don't like this Bobby," Sam confessed. "But I really don't see any other option right now."

"Exactly what kind of fool idea do you have in that noggin' of yours?" Bobby pressed.

"I'll let you know when I pull it off, Bobby. Talk to you later." With that, Sam hung up the phone and wondered if calling out for an archangel, who hadn't wanted to be one for a long time, would get him the same results that calling out for Castiel did. Especially after the condition they left him in the last time they had seen him. Sam did have one thing going for him though. This particular archangel had always wanted to teach him a lesson or get him to play his role. If Sam could play that to his favor, he might just get the help he needed.

Taking a deep breath, Sam called out. "Gabriel…Gabriel, if there is any chance you are out there listening…I need your help." Sam groaned inwardly. Did he really just admit to that, after all this particular angel or Trickster had put him through? "Anyway…if you are willing to help me, I…I am willing to make you a deal."

"That is the lamest excuse I have heard for a prayer since Turkey Jackson asked for help when he was sold as a slave in Morocco back in 1942, but he changed his tune as soon as he realized his new 'owner' was a beautiful princess who wanted to marry him. Before he changed his mind, he was willing to give me a camel. I would have rather had some M & M's. Did you know that they had only been around for about a year back then and were only available to the U.S. military? Good thing I acquired this particular vessel about that time, not that it would have stopped me, but it still came in handy. You haven't offered me anything tangible yet though, just some kind of flimsy deal. And I don't even see candy lying around here anywhere to sweeten the pot."

At the sound of the incessant chattering, Sam spun around in his chair to see the archangel casually leaning against the frame of the bathroom door, quietly sucking on a lollipop as if he had been standing there the whole time he had been talking to Bobby.

"Not the whole time, kiddo," Gabriel said with a smirk, crossing his arms over his chest. "But long enough to know you are in over your head. But then again, when aren't you?"

"You! Stay out of my head," Sam remarked in frustration, as he pointed at the angel. "Or you can just forget about the whole thing."

"What whole thing?" Gabriel chuckled, shoving his hands in his pockets as he strolled closer to the hunter. "I know you need help, but other than sticking around to toy with you, I don't see what's in it for me. It's not like you have offered me anything yet or that we have come to any sort of arrangement."

As Gabriel raised a hand preparing to snap his fingers, Sam held him off. "Wait...just...I'm sorry, okay? Just hear me out."

"You've got one minute, Sammy," Gabriel said, waggling his eyebrows as he made a clock appear on the hotel table. "Can you _Beat the Clock_? Time's a-wasting."

"It's Sam," the hunter sighed as Gabriel gestured to the clock that was now quickly counting down the seconds. "Fine. Dean and Cas have disappeared. We took out an O-dokuro that was responsible for several deaths in the area, and as soon as we ganked it, Dean and Cas were gone….without a trace. If it were just Dean….but with Cas gone, too…I'm thinking it would have to be one of your brothers…or something bigger than them, if that is even possible, to be able to take out Cas without leaving any signs. If I am going to find them, then I need your help."

The buzzer on the clock went off as Sam finished his spiel. He looked up at Gabriel expectantly, who now decided to ignore the clock and grill Sam further. "And the part about the deal?" Gabriel asked, hopping up to sit on the table. As he crossed his legs, he folded his hands on top of his knees and looked at Sam expectantly. "Because you still haven't sold me on _why_ I should help a muttonhead with his own solo act."

"Of course," Sam scowled, beginning to wonder why he had even bothered asking the angel for help. "Because you would never do it out of the chocolaty-nougaty-goodness of your heart."

"Aw, Sam. I am touched," the angel cooed, placing a hand over his chest. "You know me so well."

Sam rolled his eyes as he continued. "So this is what I am offering. The last time we played catch a tiger by its tail, you wanted me to play my role…to become your big brother's vessel? If you help me find my brother and yours, you will have me as a captive audience the entire time we search for them. You will have your chance to convince me. I'm not promising I will say yes, but you will get your opportunity to sell me on it."

Gabriel raised an eyebrow. Sam Winchester had just offered him the opportunity to let him sell his idea to the unassuming hunter. The kid had no clue what he was in for. A wide smile split Gabriel's face as he answered him. "I think I can live with those terms."

"Really?" Sam asked in astonishment. It had almost been too easy. "Okay then, we have a deal. But I am not kissing you or anything."

Gabriel burst out laughing. "Kiddo, I am not a crossroads demon. I do not expect a kiss to seal the deal, though a Snickers bar would be nice. Who have you been hanging out with that would give you that impression, Crowley? Just put it there, pal; keep me well stocked in candy and we've got a deal," Gabriel said as he offered up his hand.

Sam just shook his head as he took Gabriel's hand in acknowledgement of their deal. "So, where do we begin?" he asked as he closed his laptop and started to throw his things in a duffel bag. He wanted to get on the road and find Dean and Cas as soon as possible. He didn't want to waste much time on this considering he would be spending it with a Trickster.

Gabriel just waggled his eyebrows and said one word. "Ohio," before quickly adding, "After you stock up on candy for me, of course. Not that I can't get my own, but a deal's a deal, after all." Then he started humming a song that sounded familiar to Sam, but he couldn't quite place it. However, when Gabriel belted out the line, "_Where we're goin', why we're goin', how can we be sure, I'll lay you eight to five that the answer's a bit obscure,"_Sam nearly changed his mind then and there. But that didn't change the fact that Sam had few other options. He needed Gabriel's help to find Dean and Cas.

So Sam decided he wasn't just going to go along for the ride on whatever adventure the Trickster had up his sleeve. He might need Gabriel's help, but that didn't mean he was going to let the angel run all over him. Sam Winchester was going to lay down some ground rules for how this mission to find their brothers was going to go.

Before he laid down the law with the archangel though, he had a question. "Why Ohio? Do you already know something? This is my brother we are looking for, so I don't want you to keep anything from me."

Maybe the kid wasn't as smart as everyone thought he was Gabriel thought as he sighed. If he lied to Sam, he would probably see right through it. So, he told the truth. Well, a partial truth. "You haven't figured it out yet? How many times have you run into me in Ohio? It is my 'home away from Home' so to speak. It is where I keep all my best supplies hidden. If we are going to avoid my family while looking for Cas and Dean, it is the best place to start."

*rta*rta*

Gabriel should have realized it wouldn't be so easy to bend Sam Winchester to his will. First of all, the kid had a list of conditions a mile long. Some were minor annoyances. We drive; we don't fly, not even via Angel Air. Don't put your feet on the dashboard. Don't throw trash in the back seat of the Impala. Others were a little harder to tolerate. We stay focused on the mission, which means we don't pick up any women. We pay for things. We earn our keep. We don't play tricks on people or give them their just desserts. Especially that last one. He was currently sitting at a bar in a small town in Nevada, their first stop on their way to Ohio. He was nursing a strawberry daiquiri while watching Sam go in for the kill on his latest victim, as he was hustling pool. How in Luci's recently departed confinement that wasn't tricking someone was beyond him. Seems the Winchester had a unique sense of morality. Or a convenient one.

As Sam collected his winnings from his mark, he joined Gabriel at the bar for a drink. Gabriel tossed him a glance and remarked, "Nice con, Sammy. You might work your way up to helping some college kid slow dance with aliens some day if you keep it up."

"I asked you not to call me that," Sam glared at him, as he took a swig of his beer. "And it is not the same thing. These guys know they risk loosing their money when they play me."

"Yeah, right. Keep telling yourself that," Gabriel mocked. "That is why you come onto them all geeky and innocent. And what do you tell yourself so can sleep at night when you use those fake credit cards, hmm?"

Sam looked at Gabriel like he had slapped him in the face. "What? No one gets hurt when we use those things."

"You really have been fooling yourself, haven't you?" the angel scoffed. "Credit card companies either don't pay the mom and pop stores for those bills if they realize they are frauds, or if they already paid them, they have chargeback policies, where they take the money back from the store owner. So unless the business owner has insurance against mooks like you, he is SOL."

Sam's face flushed red with embarrassment. "I…I never thought of it like that…I guess we always thought the big banks were taking the loss, if we thought about it at all. Do you have a better idea?" Sam shot back at the angel in anger, then immediately regretted it when a shit-eating grin flashed across the Trickster's face.

"Why, I thought you'd never ask." Gabriel said demurely as he remembered a poster he had seen outside the bar before they had entered. A phone call he had placed while Sam was playing pool had only confirmed that it was perfect for what he had in mind. "Tomorrow, we try things my way."

*rta*rta*

Sam was actually grateful he gave in and allowed Gabriel to drive his brother's beloved car when they pulled into the grass parking lot and he saw the tents and multi-colored flags waving in the barely-there breeze. The smell of human bodies pressed too close together mixed with corn dogs, popcorn and cotton candy brought up enough bad memories to make him want to vomit. He almost hadn't let the angel drive the Impala but Gabriel had assured him he knew how to operate a vehicle. When Sam had pressed the issue, Gabriel explained he had learned how to drive back in the summer of 1962 from a lonely housewife in Cheboygan, Michigan in exchange for things "Sammy's little hunter ears were too delicate to hear" so the younger man decided to drop the subject and just handed the keys over without any further discussion. What Dean didn't know about he couldn't kill Sam for, right?

"What are we doing here?" Sam asked, glancing sideways at the archangel though he dreaded hearing the answer.

"We are here to make money. You had all your 'rules' about how exactly we got to hustle pool in the bars, though I didn't really see much of a difference. You know what they say about a fool and his money," Gabriel huffed as he gestured toward the fairway. "Exhibit A. So, I found us another opportunity for raking in the cash to fund our little operation."

"Except that I _hate_ the circus," Sam muttered under his breath. "There will be _clowns_ here."

"What's wrong with the circus, kiddo?" Gabriel asked gleefully as the exited the car as he began to sing. "_It's great, it's terrific, it's the best show on earth, nothing could top it anywhere._"

Noticing Sam's sour look the angel sighed. "Alright, alright. It's not really a circus. It's a carnival!"

"Like there's a difference!" Sam said through gritted teeth, crossing his arms over his chest, leaning against the hood of the Impala.

"Of course there is, Sammy," Gabriel said. "There are plenty of differences between a circus and a carnival, including the fact that a carnival doesn't have clowns and this one has a freak show billed as Sam the Stupendous Sasquatch wrestles Orville the Outrageous Octopus."

Sam's eyes grew huge as he stared at the Trickster. "You...you didn't!" he sputtered. "There is NO...NO WAY I am wrestling an...an OCTOPUS...I...would almost rather say yes to your brother than wrestle an octopus!"

Gabriel looked at Sam slyly. "Isn't that the point?"

"You…you're threatening me with wrestling an octopus or saying yes to your brother? Just to make money so we don't have to hustle pool?" Sam asked incredulously. "I'm surprised there aren't clowns here as well."

"That can be arranged, kiddo," Gabriel threatened as he grabbed Sam by the arm and started to drag him through the meager crowd. "The day isn't over with yet. Now come on, the main event is in between the Two-Headed Cow and the Bearded Lady. They are waiting for us."

*rta*rta*

"I hate you," Sam said between gritted teeth for what must have been the fifteenth time as they watched the flimsiest excuse for a freak show Sam had ever seen.

"Yeah, I've heard that one," Gabriel reminded the hunter, not even bothering to take his eyes off the show. "You need some new material."

Sam failed to see what kept Gabriel entertained. A man slightly taller, but definitely much hairier and more muscular than himself was up on stage, in what could be described as a large fish tank, wrestling another gentleman who was dressed in what was obviously a costume that was supposed to represent an octopus. However, it only had two extra limbs. So instead of having the required eight 'arms', it was clearly missing two appendages.

The fact that only two other clearly bored adults, along with their five-year-old son were in the tent watching the show along with Sam and Gabriel was an indication that the act was fooling no one. That however, didn't keep Gabriel from heartily eating cotton candy and laughing at inappropriate times. The only other person who seemed mildly amused by any of this was the kid who was in here with his parents. Maybe that was why Gabriel was so amused; he must have the mind of a five-year-old.

"Why are we even here?" Sam hissed. "This is a waste of our time."

"Sasquatch," Gabriel answered and then caught Sam's glare. "The other one, up on stage…he is…one of my contacts. He might know something about what happened to our bros. He said he would talk to us after the show. That, and you promised you would do things my way for a change when it came to earning money."

Sam just stared at Gabriel. He shuddered for a moment at the thought of what Gabriel meant about earning money 'his way'. But apparently, that was how things were going to go. One odd encounter with Gabriel's 'contacts' after another. One opportunity for Gabriel to torture him after the next. And Sam was beginning to wonder if they would ever make any real progress in finding Cas and Dean. Sam suffered through the rest of the show and after the other guests quietly filed out, Gabriel and Sam casually walked up to the stage.

"Sumarlíđr," Gabriel greeted the man billed as the Sasquatch, shaking his hand.

"Loki," the man answered tersely. "I wasn't sure you would come, after the way our poker game ended last time."

"Hey, now," Gabriel exclaimed with a mischievous smirk. "I technically didn't cheat. That was just one of my copies that turned into a fly and buzzed around the room to look at everyone else's cards. He could have just as easily told you what hand everyone had as he did me."

Both Sumarlíđr and Sam shook their heads at the Trickster before turning to one another. "I thought your name was Sam," the young hunter asked, referring to the poster on the outside of the tent. "Like mine; Sam Winchester, by the way. And how exactly do you know…Loki?"

"That is just a stage name," he chuckled. "My given name would not go over well here, no? Norse is not too common these days, is it? And if it is easier, you can call me Sam. I imagine Sumarlíđr is a mouthful. As for Loki…he and I go way back. He has known me since I was a baby."

Gabriel chuckled at that and slapped the taller man on the back. "Sumarlíđr is Thor's grandson."

"Thor's grandson?" Sam repeated in disbelief. "What are you doing working in a freak show?"

"I have some of my grandfather's strength and size, but none of his real power," Sumarlíđr answered casually. "So this carnival suits me well."

"The kid is kind of like a Squib," Gabriel tried to explain as Sam stared at the archangel in dismay.

"Squid? I am not a squid," Sumarlíđr said in confusion. "If I were, perhaps Orville would not have to wear such a lousy costume and our show would draw much more attention, yes?"

"Not squid," Sam tried to explain, ignoring Gabriel in the process. "Some people simply have no tact at all."

"Tact? You're ignoring _me _and you're worried about tact?" Gabriel asked staring at the hunter. "You do realize that I could have both a Squib and a squid here with a snap of my fingers especially since they are both on the grounds of Hogwarts right now!"

Sam tuned out the archangel's ramblings about what he believed to be TV land as he continued his conversation with Sumarlíđr. "But even with your size and your knowledge… you could…" Sam shook his head, leaving his own thought unfinished.

"Oh, so that is how you are going to play it Sammy. Alright, then," the angel said as a look of determination settled across his face. "Well then, a squid it will be."

"What, do what you do? Hunt things that go bump in the night?" Sumarlíđr asked they both watched Gabriel begin to measure the octopus tank while muttering under his breath. Giving Sam a knowing look, he continued, "Yes, I know what you do. Loki and I have exchanged stories before and he has told me of his adventures with you and your brother. At the ill-fated poker game I have mentioned, he had a particularly interesting one about you turning into a talking car, like _Knight Rider_, no? That reminds me, I owe you money, Loki. You must be here to collect your winnings."

As Sumarlíđr pulled money out of his wallet and handed it over to Gabriel, Sam continued to question him. "So why not hunt, instead of living life in a circus freak show?"

"Carnival," Gabriel interrupted shaking his head. "I keep telling you, kiddo. It's a carnival. If it were the circus, I would be watching the Mozzarella Brothers performing right about now. In fact, that is an excellent idea, if I do say so myself. If I am bringing in a real squid, Orville can take time off, too and we will go see the Mozzarella Brothers and leave the kid here on his own."

Neither Sam nor Sumarlíđr were sure what the Trickster was prattling on about so they continued with their own discussion without him. "Tell me, are you happy with your life as a hunter?" the man asked Sam. "Don't you ever grow tired of killing things that never stop coming after you? I see from your face it is work that wears on your soul. I, on the other hand, can travel and see many new faces. And occasionally help out an old family friend. Speaking of which, you also came looking for information, no?"

"Yeah, about that," Gabriel said, as he turned his attention back to the two men and rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. "Sam's brother disappeared a couple of days ago along with one of their acquaintances. I am trying to help the kid here because I owe him one. So I was wondering if you could tell me if you have heard anything recently, ya' know about strange happenings in the area, that sort of thing?"

Sumarlíđr gaped at Gabriel in silence for a moment before bursting out laughing. "You had me going there for a minute," he said, shaking his head and waging his finger at the Trickster. "Always the one with the jokes, this one. As if with your own eyes you have not seen the signs that the Ragnarök is upon us. Of course there are strange occurrences, look all around you."

Sam looked at Gabriel and shifted his weight uncomfortably before adding to the conversation. "I think what Loki meant was, has anything stranger than usual, even with, well... Ragnarök approaching...something that could make someone as strong as Lo-"

Gabriel immediately jumped in and interrupted Sam, fearing the kid was going to blow his cover. "What the kid here is trying to say is that his brother's acquaintance is actually an angel, Sumy, one who is on friendly terms with the kid and his brother and not so friendly terms with the rest of his family. And since we are reasonably sure that this is their version of Ragnarök that is going down, we think their disappearance might have something to do with that. So, in short, have you seen anything that might indicate that those winged-ass monkeys might be setting up shop in any of the places you have been to lately?"

Sumarlíđr hung his head and sighed. "No, Loki. I am sorry. I can be of no help to you. I have seen no such things as your so called 'winged-ass monkeys'. But if I do, I will tell, you, yes?"

"Yeah, yeah, you do that kid," Gabriel said as he toed the ground in frustration. "Keep your eyes open and try to stay out of trouble, alright? And if you see your granddad, tell him I said long time, no see and let's keep it that way." He paused for a moment then grinned wickedly. "So, now is the time when you show Sam here your part in the act so you can take the matinee show off and the kid can earn his keep?"

Sumarlíđr smiled back at Gabriel as he grabbed Sam by the arm and pulled him toward the stage.

"Wait...what?" Sam protested, dragging his feet and trying to pull away from Sumarlíđr. "I thought earning money your way meant picking up your poker winnings!"

"Oh no, Sammy," Gabriel answered gleefully. "I promised Sumy here that he could have the afternoon off and we would spend it together. And if I bring in a real squid, then Orville can take some time off, too. You did promise you would try things my way. So the way I see it, this is a win-win scenario."

All of the color drained from Sam's face. "You...you wouldn't!"

"What? Make you do the act, or do the act with a real squid?" Gabriel asked as he pulled a face. "Of course you are doing the act Sammy! You did make a promise after all. I will think about the real squid. Filch might have a heart attack if the Giant Squid disappeared on his watch."

As Sumarlíđr was showing Sam the details of his act, he paused for a moment and turned back to the Trickster. "Loki, Granddad has mentioned that some of the old ones are...unsettled by the things they have seen lately. They have even considered meeting to talk about what to do. My grandfather has no interest in any such meeting, especially since _she_ is the one who is proposing it."

"You mean?" Gabriel asked as his eyes grew wide with curiosity. Sumarlíđr responded with only a nod. "Well, shit," the angel exclaimed. "That is one more thing we don't need."

*rta*rta*

Dean looked around at the other twenty some odd people, along with the camera crews and production people standing with him and Cas alongside the Los Angeles River and it took him less than five seconds to figure out how he got here from the woods outside of Independence, CA.

"This just reeks of your brother," Dean hissed as he looked at Cas while trying not to draw attention to himself as some guy named Phil was announcing how their 'teams' were supposed to search through a wall of license plates and find one of 11 Japanese plates from Shinagawa, Tokyo, and present it to Phil in order receive tickets for one of two flights from Los Angeles to Tokyo. "Are you sure your mojo is on the fritz? Because there is no way _in hell_ I am playing my role in this little game and getting on a plane anywhere. Your brother can just bite me if he thinks I will be doing that anytime soon."

"Dean, I have tried several times to get us out of here," Cas replied on the verge of exasperation, as the angel wandered over to the wall of license plates, easily reading the Japanese symbols, and plucking one off handed it to the man called Phil who glanced at the pair in confusion, though Dean wasn't sure if it was because Cas so easily solved the puzzle or because they were there in the first place. "I am either cut off from Heaven, or someone is interfering with my powers."

"So, how did you manage to find that without any mojo?" Dean muttered, motioning to the license plate.

"Just because I am cut off from my power does not mean I am without all of the knowledge I acquired in the years of my existence," Cas explained. "Finding the correct vehicle identification plate was quite simple once I knew what key words I was looking for."

As the pair were handed plane tickets to Tokyo, Dean just scowled and headed toward the vehicles provided by the producers. "Damn…I won't even be able to drive my baby…stupid modern car," he muttered.

"If he is behind this," Cas continued, "then knowing my brother, the only way out of this will be to follow through with the game and see where it takes us."

"And what about Sam?" Dean demanded as he wove his way through Los Angeles traffic. "If Gabriel gives him another TV land venereal disease, I swear I will end him. Oh, hell! Now I need to bleach my brain for even thinking about all the ways that is even possible."

As they pulled into LAX thirty minutes later, Dean was still complaining. "There is no way I am getting on to an airplane, Cas. NO WAY!"

"I see no other options, Dean," the angel argued as they walked through the airport to get to the correct gate. "We have to follow through with this."

As they made their way to their seats, Dean was constantly muttering under his breath about not wanting to be on an airplane and killing Gabriel the first chance he got. It was bad enough they had a camera crew following them, but with the added fuel of Dean's verbal barrage, he and Cas drew many strange looks from the rest of the passengers. When they finally sat down, Dean fastened his seat belt, gripped the armrests and pressed his eyelids together, trying to prepare for take off, when the world around him faded to black.


	3. Part II: A Matter of Loaf or Death

**Title**: Road to the Apocalypse

**Author**: AuntMo

**Artist**: Vivian Tanner

**Genre**: Gen; Comedy/Humor

**Pairing (if applicable)**: None

**Rating**: PG-13 for language  
><strong>Warnings:<strong> Language; while the overall story is a comedy because it takes place during the Apocalypse there are mentions of massacres and a mention of a past run-in with a pedophile. Spoilers through 5.19 Hammers of the Gods, though it goes AU after 5.10 Abandon All Hope

**Tier/Word Count:** 5k/18,881 words (entire story)

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Supernatural or any of its characters. Nor do I own any of the Road to films or any of the other dozen or so television shows referenced herein. This was all just written for my enjoyment and hopefully yours as well.  
><strong>Summary:<strong> Shortly after the events at Carthage, on a seemingly normal hunt, Dean and Cas disappear. Not knowing who else to turn to and fearing the worst, Sam asks Gabriel for his help in locating both of their brothers. In return, Sam reluctantly agrees that Gabriel can feel free to try and convince Sam to play his role in the Apocalypse, he just isn't making any promises that he will consent to anything.

What follows next is an adventure that pays tribute to the Bing Crosby and Bob Hope _Road to_ movies, with a trip to a carnival where Sam has to wrestle an octopus. And Dean and Cas have disappeared into a unique set of problems of their own, leaving Dean to suspect that Sam might be in more trouble than he realizes.

**A/N**: Written for the sabriel_mini challenge over on livejournal. To see the art that goes with the story, you will need to find the links on my journal over there (auntmo9). I owe a debt of gratitude to my betas Jesse A Harper and novakev. Jesse A Harper has been with me all the way as a sounding board and general all around cheerleader, while novakev graciously agreed to come in late in the game and read the whole thing over as someone with an outsider's opinion. I also owe some thanks yous to some other wonderful people, but to do so now who give away some spoilers, so look for an additional note at the end.

Part II: A Matter of Loaf and Death

"Well, that was almost a complete waste of time," Gabriel said as he slid into the booth at the diner he and Sam stopped at to grab a bite to eat on their way out of town.

"Ya think?" Sam said as he sat down across from him and picked up a menu, pushing his still wet hair out of his eyes. "I can't ever remember a circus that was worth my time. And then you had to go a make me an attraction in a freak show!"

"Carnival, Sam," Gabriel sighed glancing over his own menu. "How many times do I have to tell you that it was a carnival? Besides, you weren't the main event; you were just an understudy for one of the stars in the show. Not a very good one from what I heard either. You were supposed to _wrestle_ Orville the Octopus, not swim away from him every chance you got. And Orville is just a regular guy in a bad costume. You were lucky I decided to stay on Minnie's good side and leave the real squid in Scotland. But Sumy and I appreciated the time together and you earned us two hundred bucks, so I guess it was worth it. Plus, I got Orville's wife to take pictures of you."

"I did wrestle hi-…You did what?" Sam exclaimed, throwing down his menu as Gabriel just smiled at him. "I want everything…the pictures, the memory disc, everything…now!"

"Too late, Sammy. Some of those photos are out there in cyberspace already," the angel answered. Gabriel ignored Sam's frantic sputtering as their waitress arrived to take their order. The angel glanced up at the brown haired, brown-eyed beauty and threw her a winning smile. "Well hello there, Princess. I guess it's your lucky day, stumbling upon a couple of handsome gents like us."

The waitress clearly was suppressing an urge to roll her eyes and simply asked, "What can I get you?"

"I'll take chocolate chip pancakes with a side of you," Gabriel answered waggling his eyebrows. "Oh, and a strawberry milkshake, too!"

"Um, yeah…I will have a grilled chicken sandwich and a side salad with a glass of water," Sam said having calmed down slightly. He threw the waitress an apologetic look before glaring at the angel. As the waitress left, he hissed, "What was that all about? Can't you keep it in check for even a few days? Her name wasn't even Princess; her name tag said Dorothy for goodness sake."

"You are about as much fun as one of my brothers, you know that?" Gabriel remarked dryly. "You and your stupid rules; I am getting sick of them. Besides, you said I couldn't pick up any women. I haven't lifted a finger where she is concerned; I'm just flirting with her. And since she is a princess in my book that is what I am going to call her."

"She didn't seem to appreciate the nickname," Sam observed as he decided to turn the tables on the angel. "Or maybe it was just you she didn't appreciate. Perhaps I am more her type."

Gabriel stared at Sam briefly before he snorted, "Yeah, right, and Cas and your brother are on an airplane to Tokyo as we speak." As he was talking, he pulled a cell phone of his pocket and began scrolling through his messages.

Surprised, Sam asked, "Wait, you have an iPhone…and you know how to use it? Cas can barely answer a basic cell phone."

"Yeah, well in case you hadn't realized it, Cas doesn't get out much. And I am my Dad's Messenger. Even if I haven't been around Heaven to deliver many news bulletins recently doesn't mean I haven't kept up with the newest way they're being delivered."

"So who are you emailing?" Sam asked, curious to who the archangel was actually in touch with.

Gabriel raised an eyebrow. "Not that it is any of your business, but I am actually tweeting. I have to update the seventy thousand followers of Candyman17," he said with a smile.

"You have a Twitter account…with followers?" Sam said shaking his head.

"Of course, kiddo. Why not? My life is _waaay _more interesting than yours. Though plenty of my followers do seem to think you make a better Sasquatch than some of the other hoaxes they've seen," the angel answered. Winking at Sam, he added, "Hey, look XRoadsKing thinks you look like a moose!"

"I...what...you posted those freak show pictures of me on Twitter?" Sam stammered. "Take. Them. Down. NOW."

"Aw come on, kiddo," he answered. "I didn't mean any harm. It was all in fun."

Sam just shook his head in surrender and changed the subject, asking, "So, what was Sumarlíđr talking about back there before I got tossed into the tank with a fake octopus? What kind of meeting?"

"Nothing good," Gabriel admitted as the waitress briefly returned with their drinks. "Thor has apparently caught wind that the pagan gods are less than thrilled that the Apocalypse is happening and they want to have their own little executive retreat to decide what to do about it."

Sam blanched at the thought of throwing a group of pagan gods into the mix of all they were dealing with right now. "And this 'she' that Sumarlíđr mentioned. Who is that?" Sam pressed as the waitress brought them their food, and Gabriel gave her a wry smile that didn't quite reach his eyes.

"No one you want to be dealing with kiddo," the angel answered as he poured chocolate syrup all over his pancakes. "No one I want to be dealing with either quite frankly, but I suppose it will need to be done at some point. First, however, I want to drown my sorrows in sugar for awhile. And then we need to make a detour and go see an old family friend to get some advice."

*rta*rta*

Sam was beat. Wrestling an octopus, fake or not, in a large tank of water, will do that to a man. So even though they had only been on the road for four hours since they left Ely, Nevada, he pulled over in Las Vegas for the night. Despite Gabriel's pleading to stay in something a little more posh, Sam decided to stop at a small motel on the outskirts of town. Put out that he wasn't staying at the Bellagio, Gabriel decided he was going to toy with Sam by registering the two of them at the motel under the aliases of Duke Johnson and Chester Hooton. Sam said nothing when the clerk, an older gentleman who appeared to be in his sixties, bit back a smile and raised an eyebrow, but he did question the angel once they arrived in the room. Gabriel explained that they were a couple of vaudeville performers he knew back at the turn of the twentieth century that used a fake ghost to scam people out of their money. "I tried to set them up on a prank for all the scams they pulled by shipping them off to Alaska without their stolen money," Gabriel said shaking his head. "But somehow, they came out of it smelling like roses after they got rid of two real thugs! One of them even managed to marry the daughter of a man who owned a gold mine, if you can imagine that!"

"So why did the clerk give us a strange look when we checked in?" Sam asked, still not satisfied with the angel's answer.

"I don't know, kiddo," Gabriel remarked flippantly as he snapped his fingers to change into a gold lame shirt and black leather pants, something he felt was more fitting for Vegas. "Maybe you look more like a Jimmy Page than a Chester Hooton; or maybe you just don't look comfortable in your skin. Dad knows, I wouldn't if I were you seeing how far it has to stretch to get around those long bones of yours."

"And I am pretty sure that your outfit went out of style the same time Disco did," Sam retorted.

"Hey, this is Vegas," the shorter man said with a smirk as he slid on a pair of sunglasses. "I will totally fit in here. And besides, I have been around long enough to know that everything old becomes new again at some point."

Gabriel tried to convince Sam to join him on taking in some of the sights of Vegas since they were there, but Sam just shook his head as he stifled a yawn. All he wanted to do was take a shower and hit the sack. But he had left his duffle bag out in the car.

Gabriel watched him as he went out to the parking lot to retrieve it from the trunk. Casually glancing at the back seat of the Impala before heading to the trunk, Sam had to do a double-take. He knew the archangel had been snacking a lot, and had also been disregarding his rules, but couldn't believe what he saw. How did one angel, especially one so small, manage to accumulate so much trash in such a short amount of time? If they ever found Dean, he was going to kill him for allowing his baby to get this messed up, especially by Gabriel. Sam flung open the back door and desperately started trying to pick up all the candy wrappers and soda containers that had found their way into the back seat. He quickly realized however, that it was like trying to sift through dry sand. He was just burying himself in a seemingly endless pile of garbage. He went back into the hotel room and grabbed a trash bag without saying a word to the archangel. Nearly twenty minutes later, he finally found the back seat of the car, but there was still a significant amount of refuse on the floor.

"Whatchya doing?" he heard Gabriel ask casually behind him. Sam spun around.

"Cleaning up the mess you made," he accused, as he pointed his finger at Gabriel. "Haven't you ever used a trash can before in the thousands of years you have been around? Dean is going to commit fratricide if he sees this mess. Then he is going to find a way to kill you, or at least permanently remove you from this plane of existence."

Sam turn back around to keep working on the cleaning the car, only to feel the weight of the bag in his hands evaporate. When he looked down he found that all of the trash he had cleaned up had been removed from the bag and dumped in the back of the car again.

"What did you do?" Sam roared in frustration.

Gabriel chuckled at the look on Sam's face. "It's like one of my favorite candies, a _Now and Later_. Annoy you now, and the trash will still be here to irritate Dean later."

"You need to clean up this mess now!" Sam demanded, as he went to the trunk and grabbed his duffle bag. Sam stormed back into the motel room and threw his bag on to his bed. He pulled a clean t-shirt and boxers out of his duffel bag before heading to the shower.

Gabriel sighed before he snapped his fingers and the mess in the Impala disappeared. He followed Sam back into the room with an air of indifference. Why was it he was always stuck with the ones that had a stick up their ass and wouldn't know a good time if it slapped them in the face? Dad knows, he would probably get slapped in the face a couple of times tonight if he did all of the things he was hoping to do, but it would be better than sitting around here watching reruns on a lousy television set. As he was about to head out on his own to see what kind of trouble he could find, a glint from the edge of Sam's open bag caught his eye. While snooping wasn't the brightest idea he ever had, it never stopped him before. Gabriel peered in and saw a ring, a ring that looked somewhat familiar to him. He reached in a pulled out the ring and looked it over carefully. The gold ring had similar markings to one he had seen worn by someone that he had known for a long time. But he had never seen this ring up close before. Now that he had seen this one close, it gave him pause to think. Perhaps he was not only going to have to change his tactics with the young hunter, but the entire purpose of this trip.

*rta*rta*

When Dean came to, he looked around and saw that he and Cas were standing in a kitchen, dressed in white coats, surround by several other people dressed similarly to them. "Well, at least I didn't have to fly," he muttered to Cas. "And I see you finally lost the trench coat, buddy." Before Cas could respond, a woman walked into the spacious room.

"Good afternoon, chefs," she announced, glancing across the room and briefly looking all of them in the eye. "Today your challenge will be to shop at a convenience store and with a $10 budget make a gourmet meal for two using only the items you purchase and the ingredients in our pantry. You have sixty minutes to shop and prepare the meal. Your time starts now."

"Damn. Your douche bag brother has dropped us in reality TV hell," Dean said glancing at Cas. "But this is so much better than flying. This one I can handle with one arm tied by my back. I used to make meals like this for Sam and I all the time…it is a Winchester specialty."

Dean ran through the Stop 'N Go along with the rest of the contestants gathering items he needed to make his meal while Cas regarded him with intense scrutiny. When it came time to check out, Dean had collected an odd assortment of items, including a loaf of bread, processed cheese, tomato sauce, pepperoni, Jell-O and candy bars. Cas, on the other hand had nothing.

"Dude, you aren't buying anything," Dean observed when he caught up with Cas.

"I fail to see the point of this task," Castiel replied. "I do not require sustenance and therefore do not need to prepare a meal."

"Hey, you're the one that said we needed play the game in order get to the end," Dean said, eyeing Cas closely. "So why have you decided not to play along of a sudden? Did you find another way out for us?"

"Perhaps I was…mistaken," Cas admitted, as Dean finished paying for his junk food and they returned to the kitchen with the other chefs. "It may only be necessary for one of us to participate in each task."

"Cas, you can't cook can you?" Dean asked, suppressing his laughter as he suddenly realized why the angel didn't want to participate in this round of Gabriel's latest torture. Slapping him on the back, Dean continued, "That's okay, I got this one covered for both of us."

While Dean did not lack confidence, he soon found out he did lack cooking skills. Sure he could make simple things like his mom's tomato rice soup or a grilled cheese sandwich, but he lacked the skill and creativity to go up against the world class chefs that were in the kitchen with him. He found himself bumping into the other cooks who were running around the kitchen at a frenetic pace, spilling things everywhere and at one point, he was pretty sure he managed to burn Jell-O. After all was said and done, both he and Cas found themselves facing the judges later that evening.

"I am not even sure what either one of you are doing here in the first place," declared an older bald gentleman who went by the name of Tom. "Castiel…you failed to even prepare any meal at all. And Dean, that grilled cheese pizza sandwich with Jell-O surprise filled with miniature Reese's was quite frankly…an abomination I wouldn't serve in Hell."

While Dean gritted his teeth, the woman from earlier in the day announced, "Castiel, Dean, please pack your knives and go."

"Not a problem lady," Dean said winking at her as he pulled one of his larger hunting knives out of his back pocket and twirled it expertly in front of the judges' panel. "I use knives for things much more important than cooking and for most of my life I have tried to keep a few of them on me at all times. Don't even bother to show us the door. I am so ready to blow this Popsicle stand."

And with that, the judges table faded away and in its place, Cas and Dean found themselves standing in a tropical jungle.

*rta*rta*

With the exception of having to take this current detour to go visit his 'uncle', this trip had all been going according to plan. His first attempt at getting Sam and Dean to play their roles had literally gone up in flames, so he had decided to take a different approach: Divide and Conquer. Gabriel had always known that Dean would fight him tooth and nail. And he would quickly learn that Sam would be a formidable opponent when Dean was in danger, especially when it was Gabriel's doing. But Sam didn't know that it was Gabriel that was behind Dean and Cas' recent disappearance. He wouldn't like it when he found out, but the truth was the two of them were safer right now than they had been in months. The archangel had them hidden from all supernatural eyes. He just needed them tucked away so he could convince Sam to play his role. And he had been reasonably sure Sam would listen to him with Dean out of the way, if he thought Gabriel was his ally.

But then he had to go and find this little piece of jewelry. His best laid plans were all shot to Hell. So he started to rethink his plan. This bit of jewelry was one piece to a different puzzle he hadn't considered. His 'uncle' had another. That was half of the riddle solved right there. Maybe, just maybe he could rework his whole agenda.

Sam came out of the shower in a t-shirt and boxers, toweling off his wet hair. Looking up, he saw Gabriel twirling a ring in his hand.

"Where did you get that?" he demanded. Tossing the towel over the back of a chair he added, "Have you been going through my stuff?"

"It practically fell out of your bag when you got your things out earlier," Gabriel lied easily. "What I would like to know is where did you get it? This is War's ring, isn't it?"

Sam blinked for a moment before responding. "Yeah, it is. Dean and I ran in to him in River Pass, Colorado a few weeks back. He was turning a town against itself, making them think that everyone else was a demon. The whole town tried to kill each other. The only way we could stop it was to get the ring off of him."

"It still doesn't explain how you got the ring, kiddo," the angel said as he tossed it into the air and caught it as it came back down.

"We corned him near his Mustang. Dean held him down while I cut off the ring with Ruby's knife," Sam explained. "As soon as I did, he and the car disappeared, leaving behind the ring."

"And have you run into any other Horseman that you haven't told me about?" Gabriel asked, looking at the hunter intently.

"Why are we talking about Horsemen when we should be concentrating on finding Dean and Cas?" Sam asked the angel. "I mean, is this really important?"

"Are you really that thick, or did you just spend too much time underwater when you were in that oversized fish tank?" Gabriel shot back. "It's the Apocalypse, stupid. Of course the Horsemen are important."

"Well, we didn't actually meet Death in Carthage," Sam admitted sheepishly, remembering the horror of all that was lost there. "But Dean and I were there when Lucifer raised him. And we haven't even seen signs of Pestilence or Famine."

"Well, I think we are going to have to change that," Gabriel declared with a determined look on his face.

*rta*rta*

When Sam and Gabriel arrived outside of the Rancho de Tia Rosa in Mesa, Arizona the next day, Sam immediately noticed the pale 1959 Cadillac with California license plate that read BUH*BYE. "You don't see too many of those cars around anymore," he remarked.

"Actually, it's a one of a kind," Gabriel said as he pulled open the door to the restaurant. The place was empty save for an older, rather thin gentleman in a black suit sitting a table with an assortment of food set about before him. He then noticed that several patrons and employees were lying dead on the floor.

"You know, when I lay waste to a restaurant, it is generally only the dessert tray that ends up worse for the wear due to my insatiable appetite for sweet things," Gabriel quipped as he walked up to the man. "The staff and customers usually make it out alive."

The man looked at the archangel, raising one eyebrow. "Alright, alright," Gabriel admitted. "There was that one ice cream parlor in Hoboken. But the owner was a pedophile. I think we can all agree that the guy deserved a little just desserts. I am the Angel of Judgment after all; I just happened to put my own spin on it when I left home."

"Sit. Both of you," the man said with quiet authority. "You know how I don't like to eat alone. And the enchiladas here are _to die_ for."

As Sam and Gabriel joined the man at the table, Gabriel said, "You know, that joke is rather old, especially coming from you. And you know I prefer sweet to savory any day, _Uncle_."

"Very well, Gabriel," the man answered. "Did you think I forgot my nephew's tastes after all this time? That is why I took the liberty of getting you the key lime pie and the Mexican hot chocolate, and for you Mr. Winchester, I understand you have a taste for salads."

Sam stared at the man wide-eyed for a moment. "Did you just say uncle?" he asked Gabriel. "Since when does God have a brother?"

"He is not my brother and his petulant little brats aren't really my nephews," the man sighed, looking at Sam impatiently. "But both of us have been around so long, longer than any other beings in existence, that after awhile it was almost natural that we began to look at one another as, well…family."

"You love us...you know you do," Gabriel said as he batted his eyelashes innocently.

"Yes, well, the way one of your brothers has been acting lately, I am on the verge of disowning him," he replied.

As Sam looked around at the carnage in the restaurant, he reflected, "Um yeah, Gabriel, I thought your brother was the destructive one."

"Exactly," Gabriel said, looking the man straight in the eyes. "What gives? Total destruction on this level usually isn't your style unless there is some sort of natural disaster."

"You know what they say," the man answered pointedly. "Speak of the devil and all that...your brother has had me on a leash ever since the bloody ritual in Carthage, expecting me to do his will; causing mayhem and destruction at the drop of a hat."

"That is one of the things I came to talk to you about," Gabriel said, taking a sip of his hot chocolate. "But we will get to that in a minute. First, I need to ask you about your…rival."

"My rival?" he questioned with a raised eyebrow as he looked at Gabriel over his glass of Corona. "I would hardly consider that young upstart anywhere near my equal, despite her assertions that she will be the one to end the world."

"Well still, she is a handful who is full of hands, and that is understatement," Gabriel quipped waggling his eyebrows.

"I warned you almost millennia ago that dating her would never be easy and would have all kinds of consequences if it didn't work out. But you were always one to do things your own way, regardless of the advice given to you," he replied Turning to Sam he added, "It's amazing the boy is still in one piece after their last encounter. But then again, she didn't know his true identity at the time."

Sam sat there in stunned silence. He wasn't quite up to speed on everything Gabriel and this man were talking about. But he wasn't sure he wanted to be. For now, he would just sit back, listen and hope Gabriel would fill him in later.

"I didn't come here to get relationship advice. I am not foolish enough to go down that road and get burned twice," Gabriel huffed. "I heard a rumor she isn't pleased with what Luci and Mikey are up to and wants to rally the troops. Do you think she would be foolish enough to try and put a stop to it?"

"You know her better than I do Gabriel," the man replied with a look of resignation. "Of course she will try and put a stop to it. And if your spoiled brat of a brother can put a leash on me, she most certainly will get herself killed in the process. Despite her experience with you, she isn't as skilled in dealing with the family as we are."

"You make it sound as if we are the Corleones or something," Gabriel scoffed, as he dug into his key lime pie.

"Your family makes the Corleones look like a Norman Rockwell painting," Sam muttered under his breath. He immediately slouched down in his chair when both Gabriel and the older man stared icily at him.

"Look, I know she isn't your favorite person considering you think she is playing in your sandbox without being invited," Gabriel pointed out. "But even though we aren't together anymore doesn't mean I want my brother using her as finger paint to decorate El Capitan. She's too stubborn to let us try and stop her. But if we beat her to the punch, then maybe she won't get hurt."

"What exactly did you have in mind?" the man asked, with a hint of curiosity in his voice.

"Hey kiddo," the archangel said as he turned to the hunter. "It's your time to shine. Show the man that shiny piece of jewelry you picked up a few weeks ago."

Startled to be finally included in the conversation, Sam fumbled around in his pocket and pulled out the ring that he and Dean had kept after they had killed War and tossed it onto the table.

The man reached over and picked it up, carefully examining it. "Interesting," he said turning his attention to Gabriel. "Is this the only one you have?"

"Well, yeah. It is not like we can go to Jared's and buy the rest of the set there. But, if you are willing to share," Gabriel paused looking carefully at the older man, "well, then we would be half-way there wouldn't we?"

"And what about the others?" he asked. "Have you thought about how you are going to get those?"

"Not really," the Trickster said with his trademark grin. "I'm just making this up as I go along."

"I will consider your plan," the man replied after several seconds. "But it won't be easy."

"With Luci, nothing ever is," Gabriel said as he stood up to leave.

"If you can collect the other two, then perhaps I can trust you to muster the troops to do the rest of the job as well," he said cautiously. "We'll be in touch."

As they left, Sam took one last looked around, and the clues that were before him suddenly fell into place. He realized who the man they had been dealing with was.

*rta*rta*

Dean looked around at the tropical surroundings and swore under his breath. He took off his jacket due to the overwhelming heat and humidity. "Fan-freaking-tastic…with what your brother has put us through already, my guess is that we are on some island in the south Pacific with a bunch of trickster wannabes stuck playing _Survivor_. Of course, I also wouldn't put it past him to throw us for a loop and stick us on _Lost_, trying to figure out the importance of 4, 8, 15, 16, 23 and 42."

"Inspected by," Castiel said matter of factly.

"What?" Dean asked as he picked a direction and started to trudge off towards what he thought might be a settlement. "What are you talking about?"

"Gabriel informed me that those are the most common 'inspected by' numbers that human beings find in consumers goods such as clothing and small kitchen appliances," Cas explained.

"Okay, first of all," Dean said as he slowed down and looked at Cas. "What have I told you about referring to people as 'human beings'? As soon as we run into anybody else on this Island of Misfits Being Toyed With, they are going to think you are an escapee from Danvers if you talk like that. Secondly, exactly when did you and Gabriel have a discussion about _Lost_?"

"After we left him in the warehouse, I returned and sought him out," Castiel confessed, his eyes cast downward. "I thought perhaps I could convince him to help us in stopping Lucifer, or at least in my attempt to find our Father. He agreed to speak to me, but he insisted on watching the television show _Lost_ you speak of. That is when he explained the meaning of the numbers to me. According to my brother, the numbers have no deeper meaning on the show and it is just a rather large hoax the writers are playing on the audience."

Dean stared at the angel in silence for a moment before shaking his head. "I wouldn't be surprised if he became a writer on that show just so he could screw with the hoi polloi all at the same time. Haven't you realized yet that Gabriel is more likely to play games with you than tell you the truth?"

Cas opened his mouth to respond but was interrupted by the arrival of two individuals, a young man with dark hair in a t-shirt and shorts and a woman in a bikini with her blonde hair up in a ponytail. "What are you two doing back here?" the man demanded to know. "Trying to form an alliance this early in the game already?"

"Uh…no," Dean stammered as he picked up a couple of logs and shoved them in Cas' arms. "Just gathering wood for a fire."

"Except Probst didn't give us matches or even flint, so how are we going to build a fire?" the woman demanded.

Cas titled is head as he regarded the two newcomers. "Creating a fire is quite simple, even without matches or flint," the angel answered. "Simply applying friction to the wood until a spark lights the kindling should be sufficient to create a fire."

"Who knew a stockbroker would know so much about starting fires?" the man wondered, as he picked up some logs as well.

"I'll believe it when I see it," the woman said, turning to head back towards the camp. "This game is full of people who are all talk and no action."

"Well then," Dean announced, as he started moving again. "Let's get back to camp so he can show you what he is capable of." Dean tossed Cas a look as he said a silent prayer to Cas' Dad, wherever he might be, that the angel was more than just talk where starting a fire without his mojo was concerned.


	4. Part III: I Found the Gorilla My Dreams

**Title**: Road to the Apocalypse

**Author**: AuntMo

**Artist**: Vivian Tanner

**Genre**: Gen; Comedy/Humor

**Pairing (if applicable)**: None

**Rating**: PG-13 for language  
><strong>Warnings:<strong> Language; while the overall story is a comedy because it takes place during the Apocalypse there are mentions of massacres and a mention of a past run-in with a pedophile. Spoilers through 5.19 Hammers of the Gods, though it goes AU after 5.10 Abandon All Hope

**Tier/Word Count:** 5k/18,881 words (entire story)

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Supernatural or any of its characters. Nor do I own any of the Road to films or any of the other dozen or so television shows referenced herein. This was all just written for my enjoyment and hopefully yours as well.  
><strong>Summary:<strong> Shortly after the events at Carthage, on a seemingly normal hunt, Dean and Cas disappear. Not knowing who else to turn to and fearing the worst, Sam asks Gabriel for his help in locating both of their brothers. In return, Sam reluctantly agrees that Gabriel can feel free to try and convince Sam to play his role in the Apocalypse, he just isn't making any promises that he will consent to anything.

What follows next is an adventure that pays tribute to the Bing Crosby and Bob Hope _Road to_ movies, with a trip to a carnival where Sam has to wrestle an octopus. And Dean and Cas have disappeared into a unique set of problems of their own, leaving Dean to suspect that Sam might be in more trouble than he realizes.

**A/N**: Written for the sabriel_mini challenge over on livejournal. To see the art that goes with the story, you will need to find the links on my journal over there (auntmo9). I owe a debt of gratitude to my betas Jesse A Harper and novakev. Jesse A Harper has been with me all the way as a sounding board and general all around cheerleader, while novakev graciously agreed to come in late in the game and read the whole thing over as someone with an outsider's opinion. I also owe some thanks yous to some other wonderful people, but to do so now who give away some spoilers, so look for an additional note at the end.

Part III: I Found the Gorilla My Dreams but I'm Still Searching for the Rings

"So that was Death?" Sam asked as they pulled away from the restaurant. "One of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse?"

"Well, that is just one of his side gigs, albeit an important one," Gabriel explained. "Just like the Deathly Hallows thing."

"Side gig…wait, Deathly Hallows...you mean as in _Harry Potter_?" Sam asked in disbelief. "So all that talk about the squid and Hogwarts wasn't a TV land thing?"

"Well, yeah…in another dimension anyway," Gabriel clarified as he opened a Snickers bar, tossed the wrapper in the back seat and propped his feet up on the dashboard. "His real job is much more…all-inclusive than the some end-of-the-world engagement, let alone an ostentatious prank on a trio of magical brothers."

Sam glared at the angel, who sighed before snapping his fingers causing the trash to vanish. "So what is so important about the rings?" Sam asked, trying to get the Trickster to get to the point.

"Look Sammy," the angel said despite the fact that hunter started to glare at him again. "We both know you are the one that let dear old Luci out of the Cage. Well, the rings of the Horsemen are the keys to that Cage. If we can get all four of them, then we can open it up again. All we would need to do then is figure a way to shove the spoiled brat back in, then maybe he can go back to his permanent time out and you and your brother won't have to dance the Lambada after all. That is if you want to stop the Apocalypse."

"Wait, you want to help us now?" Sam asked, not trusting the Trickster who now was leaning his head over the back of the seat of the Impala, mouth wide open and pouring M & M's down like he was filling his own personal candy dish. "When did you go from wanting us to play our roles to deciding that our necks were worth saving?"

"This isn't about saving your necks, bucko," Gabriel sighed. "It's about saving my brothers'. I thought you might understand something like that, seeing how the only reason you ever gave a damn about spending time with Ruby in the first place was to try and find a way to save Dean."

Sam glanced at the archangel for a moment as he considered his words. "Okay, so yeah, I get that. But that still doesn't explain everything. You said you ran away from Heaven to get away from the fighting, and that the Apocalypse was basically the final showdown that would end all the fighting for good. So what has changed?"

"If they fight, it is a fight to the death. That means one of my brothers dies. As much as I hate the fighting, I love my brothers. I don't want to see one of them die. If Luci goes back in his Cage, then Michael has no reason to fight him. I would rather see that than one of them die. What choice would you make if you were in my shoes?"

Sam sighed and pushed his hair out of his eyes. "Okay, fine. So what is our next step? I mean, we are still missing Dean and Cas. And to be honest, I don't have the foggiest idea of where we would start looking for any of the other Horsemen."

"Don't worry your pretty little head about any of that, Sammy boy," Gabriel answered with a smile. "I know what we need to do next. Besides, it is late and you need sleep. So let's find a hotel that is a few steps above the cockroach variety so you can catch a few Z's and we will move on to plan B tomorrow."

*rta*rta*

"I am Amanda by the way and the guy bringing up the rear is Dave," the woman offered as she led Dean and Cas through the jungle back the camp. "I didn't catch your names."

I'm Dean, and this here is Cas," Dean answered as he followed the woman into a clearing that was clearly the beginning of a camp, though a paltry one at best. Gabriel must have sent them here at the beginning of the game since there was no shelter or fire and the group of eight seemed unorganized. Dean noticed one other man and three other women when he arrived in the clearing and nodded a greeting to them.

Cas on the other hand, if he noticed the others did not acknowledge their presence. Instead, he arranged the wood he gathered in an area he thought was appropriate for a fire and grabbed a machete he found in the camp along with some dried grass and twigs he believed would work for kindling. Cas used the machete to fashion one of the pieces of wood into a board with a groove in the middle, and when he was done, he placed the kindling in the groove and picked up a smaller stick. By this time, the majority of the tribe, including Dean had begun to gather around the angel, watching him as he worked. He quietly started using the smaller stick it as a spindle, placing it between his hands and rubbing furiously until a spark emitted from the bottom of the stick and caught the kindling on fire.

Dean thought that it would take him quite awhile rubbing the sticks together to get a spark, and that Cas, even without his mojo seemed to do it remarkably fast. Cas picked up the makeshift board and began to blow gently on the small fire until it became slightly bigger, and he added more kindling. As it grew, he added it to the larger pile of wood, and added even more kindling. The fire slowly grew as the tribe watched in awe.

"Well, E. F. Hutton," Amanda said as she walked up to Cas and shook his hand in congratulations. "I guess from now on when you speak, we will have to listen."

Cas tilted his head her in confusion as Dean came up behind him and grabbed him by the arm pulling him off to the side. "Okay, how did you manage that?" the hunter demanded.

"It is really quite simple, I have seen hum-" Cas started but cut himself off when saw Dean shoot him a warning glare at him. "I know the principles of the world my Father made and I have watched others do it before. Many times."

*rta*rta*

Gabriel was surfing the internet on Sam's laptop while the hunter slept, or tried to sleep. The kid was tossing and turning worse than a stormy sea. Most humans had trouble sleeping if they had too much stress, ate crappy food or watched horror movies before going to sleep. Gabriel got that the kid's stress level had to make the average person's look like a beach vacation. But having a chicken Caesar salad and watching _The Simpsons_ before going to sleep should have relaxed him a little bit. No such luck.

The angel had been channel surfing earlier, but the noise had kept Sam awake and the younger man threw a pillow at him and grumbled at him asking him to turn it off. So the Trickster had disappeared for awhile to check on his other 'project' and by the time he had returned, Sammy was fast asleep, so he took the opportunity to sneak onto the laptop. Of course, that was a lot less entertaining than watching Dean trying to teach Cas to get along with a bunch of average Joes who were thrown into the wilderness and turned against each other in a last man standing competition.

Just as Gabriel was recalling the look on Dean's face as Cas had inquired as to why they had to run a complicated relay race in an effort to win control over false idol before the hunter unceremoniously shoved him forward, the angel's thoughts were interrupted by Sam's screams of "No, no don't! Krusty please just put the spritzer bottle down!"

"Oh for crying out loud," Gabriel muttered as he wandered over to Sam's bed and began to gently shake the hunter.

"Sam…Sam, wake up."

The younger man sat up with a gasp, terror in his eyes and looked around the room. "Is he here?"

"Seriously?" the angel asked, staring at Sam. "My brother wants to wear you to _Celebrity Death Match_, we are developing a plan to go after Famine and Pestilence and your greatest fear right now is that a cartoon clown is going to drown you in your sleep with a spritzer bottle? I am not letting you watch _The Simpsons_ before you go to bed anymore after this. We have too many other things to be worried about for you to be adding nonsense dreams to the list."

Sam rubbed his hand over his face and realized he had been dreaming. He tossed back the remaining covers and headed to the bathroom without saying another word to the angel. Sam wasn't sure who would have handled the situation better, his brother or the Trickster. Any other nightmare, Dean would have been more concerned about him than anyone else in the whole world, hands down. But when it came to clowns, Dean would tease him until the end of days. Gabriel hadn't really teased him. But he didn't want to push it, so he decided to get dressed.

Coming out of the bathroom Sam asked, "So what do we do now?"

"I got a lead on our brothers while you were sleeping," Gabriel answered, adding another lie to his growing pile. "But these clothes won't work." With one snap of his fingers, he changed both of their outfits. Within a second, they disappeared from the hotel entirely.

*rta*rta*

When Sam and Gabriel arrived in the middle of the jungle wearing khaki safari outfits complete with pith helmets, Sam suppressed the urge to grumble. They were clearly much farther from the hotel than he had anticipated, and if Dean was anywhere nearby, then he was nowhere near his beloved car. Sam had already endured too much crap and if he was anywhere close to Dean, he would just keep his complaints to himself until he was reunited with his brother. Then he would give the archangel a piece of his mind. He followed Gabriel through the jungle until they came to a clearing that had a variety of objects that seemed to indicate that the area was occupied, including some drums. The Trickster immediately picked up mallet and began banging on one of the larger bass drums and dancing around.

"Cut that out, Gabriel," Sam complained as he continued to look around the clearing, picking up various objects and studying them in order to ascertain clues as to where they where. "I thought we came to this island to because you said Dean and Cas were here."

"Don't worry that pretty little noggin' of yours Sammy-boy," Gabriel said as he tapped Sam on the back of his helmet with the drum mallet. "They are here. I was just having some fun before we catch up with them." But before he could continue, they both heard rumbling in the jungle, and they were suddenly rushed by a large group of people who appeared to be native to the island. Some of the people picked up Sam and Gabriel and seated them on a pedestal in the middle of the clearing and began to adorn them with gifts, while others began to bang out rhythms on the drums and dance themselves.

"Gabriel," Sam hissed. "What is happening?"

"I don't know, kiddo," the angel confessed. "Maybe they think we are a couple of big shots, like gods or something. Looking at me, can you blame them? If I were you, I would just go with the flow." Sam just glared at him in response.

On the other side of the clearing, the tribal leaders were discussing the turn of events out of earshot of Sam and Gabriel.

"For years I promised you the gods of the foreigners would come from the East and now they are here," a large older man declared.

"You may think they're gods, but I think they are a couple of phony-baloneys," argued a younger skinny man as he pointed at Sam and Gabriel. "There's no way those two nincompoops can be gods."

"Harry," the man who was clearly the chief interrupted as he looked sternly at the younger man. "Steve is our high priest and has guided our people in these matters faithfully. If he says they're gods—then that's good enough for me."

"That's a lot of hooey," Harry snorted as he stomped away towards the source of their disagreement. As he approached Gabriel, he pulled on his arm and leg, testing to see if he were a god or not as the archangel looked at him in astonishment. "If he is a god, then I'm Mickey Mouse."

Upon hearing that, Gabriel went from being surprised to being offended in less than one second. He immediately raised his hand to snap his fingers, prepared to show Harry exactly how much he was Mickey Mouse when he felt Sam's hand on his wrist. Turning to the hunter, he was about to say something, when he saw Sam giving him _the look_. The one that said if you do this now I will make your life miserable any possible way I can even though I am just a human. Gabriel sighed and put his hand down. "You know kiddo, would it really kill you to act like a god?" When he was only met with one of Sammy's bitchfaces, Gabriel shot back, "I said a god kiddo, not a cod."

Many members of the tribe began to bring up gifts to the pair, including food and even hand crafted necklaces. A woman even brought up her small child and tried to hand the infant over to Sam.

"What? Are we supposed to kiss the babies?" Sam asked flustered as he leaned back away from the woman.

"We're not running for anything, kiddo," Gabriel explained, taking a bite of one of the sweeter snacks offered. "We've already been elected."

Over on the other side of the clearing, the tribal leaders were once again arguing over Sam and Gabriel.

"The trouble with you Harry" said the chief sternly, "is that you won't even listen."

"He's just jealous," declared Steve pointing angrily to Harry. "He's trying to get my job. Like you would even want it. You only see the glamorous side of it. But no one warns you that whole village will have an opinion on how you do your job, or how you dress or how your wife cooks. But regardless of your jealously, I know I am right."

"They're not gods, just 'cause you say so, Steve." Harry retorted as he rolled his eyes at yet another one of the priests complaints at how hard his life was. Turning to the chief he added, "Make 'em prove it."

"I think Harry's got something there." The chief replied as he stroked his chin.

"Let's put 'em in with Agua…He'll settle it." Harry declared triumphantly.

"Good…If Agua don't tear 'em to bits, we'll know they're gods," the chief nodded. "Let's just put one of 'em in…if it don't work we can still use the other one to dig our latrines."

Dean and Cas were at camp alone, which meant the other members of their tribe were off conspiring to vote one of them off the island. He didn't know if this was a good thing or a bad thing. Every other reality craphole Gabriel had sucked them into, the two of them had left together. Dean was hoping it would be the case here, but he could never count on things being consistent with that psycho archangel. He was also getting way too comfortable. This was by far the best place the Trickster had sent them yet, even if they didn't belong here. Despite the embarrassing fiasco at the immunity challenge, he and Cas actually fit in better here than anywhere else they had been sent. Dean's hunting skills had ensured that the tribe had food and though Cas didn't quite fit in socially, the fact he could build a fire and the two of them could put together a decent shelter had won over the rest of the tribe. So he was just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

"I don't understand," Cas said, breaking the silence and interrupting Dean's thoughts. "I thought humans voted on their political leaders, not on which other humans with whom they chose to reside."

"Yeah, right. Maybe we would be better off if we shipped our politicians off to play this game," Dean snorted. "But that is all this is, Cas. A game. And since it is the one your brother stuck us in, I would bet it is even more sick and twisted than usual. I have been keeping my eyes and ears open for anything weirder than what we are used to. I don't know whether to hope for a typical show 'twist' where two people get voted off and we both can expect to go tonight and have your brother ship us off the _Real Housewives of Orange County_ as cabana boys or whether he is going to split us up and put you on _Ice Road Truckers_ and me on _Project Runway_."

"Why would Gabriel split us up Dean?" Cas asked as he added more wood to the fire. "Nothing that we have been through has brought harm to us and we have been able to stay together so far. Besides, why do you think we are going to be the ones getting voted off tonight? That young man, Dave, does nothing but plant seeds of distrust among the other members of our group by complaining to everyone about all of our shortcomings. I have watched him do this on numerous occasions. He contributes nothing but discord to the group. Logic dictates that he should be the one that most members of our group would vote to remove from the habitat."

Dean rolled his eyes as he answered his best friend. "First of all, there is nothing about this game that is logical. This game was made for people like Dave. He is just like your idiotic brother except without the wings and the fancy powers. He simply enjoys toying with people. I would bet you my last fake credit card he will walk away with all the money in the end," Dean retorted. "Second, we will be the ones getting voted off tonight because you fell face-first into Survivor Barbie during the immunity challenge which led to our tribe loosing. So despite the fact that you can build a fire like it's no one's business, these people don't take too kindly to losing and they are going to say sayonara to E.F. Hutton and his shadow at their first opportunity. And as far as you brother goes, why does he do any of the crap he does Cas? He is probably just getting his jollies off watching us struggle through his own personal obstacle course while he has Sam cornered and toying with him. So help me, when this is over, I am going to ring his scrawny little neck."

"Dean, Gabriel does not have a scrawny little neck as you have described," Cas said tilting his head as he regarded the hunter with curiosity. "That is just his vessel. In his true form, he is actually much bigger than even one of your-"

"Can it, Cas," Dean interrupted. "If your douche bag brother is going to drop us in reality TV land hell, then at least let me live with the fantasy that I can put a stop to him somehow."

*rta*rta*

The chief stood and made an announcement to the tribe. While Sam could not understand what he was saying, Gabriel's eye grew wide as he heard what the man said. Suddenly the crowd rushed the two of them, as they picked them up and carried them across the clearing to another area several meters from where they had been before.

"What's happening Gabriel? What are they doing?" Sam asked as fear crept into his voice.

"Well, I guess all that wrestling practice you got with Orville is going to come in handy," the angel answered as they approached a large cage. "They want us to prove we are gods by having one of us tango with their pet gorilla, Agua here. You've got my vote of confidence kiddo. I will even take more photos to add to your collection."

"Nu-huh. No way!" Sam protested shaking his head. "I have already done my fair share of animal herding on this mission. It's your turn."

"Sorry kiddo. No can do," Gabriel said with a wink and a smile. "The higher ups in the tribe picked you for this one, not me. I had nothing to do with it. Maybe next time."

"There isn't going to be a next time," Sam grumbled as one of the members of the tribe pushed him into the cage. Stumbling across the cage, Sam quickly regained his balance as he looked around. He began to circle the edge of the cage when he noticed the gorilla stalking him. "Gabriel…Gabriel, get me out of here," Sam pleaded as the gorilla lunged for him and he dove to the side to avoid being grabbed by the mammal.

Sam scrambled to his feet and turned to face Agua while the angel was cheering him on from the outside of the cage. "Get him! You can do it! The kid's got nothin' but height on you," Gabriel yelled.

Sam spun around and grabbed Gabriel by his shirt through bars. "I'm in this freaking cage because of you and you're cheering for the gorilla?" Sam screamed as he shook the angel.

But his rant was cut short when Agua grabbed him around his waist and threw him to the ground. Sam attempted to rollover to get up off the ground, but he wasn't quick enough. Agua jumped and landed on top of the hunter, causing Sam to emit a groan. The younger man instinctively brought his hands up to his face in a protective gesture, but the gorilla grabbed Sam's hands, pinning them to the ground. Agua then lowered his face until their lips met in a quick kiss.

"Blech," Sam said shaking his head as he pushed Agau off with all the force he could muster and quickly moved to the side of the cage. He could hear Gabriel roaring with laughter and he shot the angel a deathly glare. "I'm done with this," Sam declared. "Get me out of here…NOW!"

"Oh, Sammy," Gabriel laughed breathlessly as he wiped the tears from his eyes before he snapped his fingers causing the lock on the cage to beak open. "Maybe if you didn't wear your hair in your eyes, the gorilla wouldn't think you were a girl!"

"It's not funny, Gabriel," Sam spat out as he pulled the angel away from the cage. The two found themselves surrounded by angry members of the tribe, disappointed that their guests were not the gods they thought they were. Each of them soon had a guard standing next to them so they couldn't escape the area. Noticing this Sam exclaimed, "Now get us both out of here, and in a way that doesn't reinforce the idea that we are some sort of gods that deserve their worship!"

"Fine," Gabriel reluctantly agreed. "But you really are no fun at all, you know that? Just follow my lead, okay?" And Sam suddenly realized Gabriel had planted an image in his head of what he intended to do. The next thing he knew, Sam found himself playing patty-cake with an archangel in the middle of the jungle. After they both chanted "bake me a cake as fast as you can," instead of moving on to the motions and lyrics for "roll it, pat it and mark with a B", Sam and Gabriel each took a swing at their guards, knocking them in the jaw and bowling them over. The action surprised everyone so much, that Sam and Gabriel were able to make a run for it.

Pushing through the crowd, they were able to get out into the jungle before any of the other guards took off after them. Once Gabriel believed the two of them were far enough ahead of any of the tribe member's sight, he snapped them away to another part of the island.

"You know kiddo, it would of been a heck of a lot easier if you would have just let me do that back in front of Chief Talks-A-Lot and his pals," Gabriel snorted as he sat down under a palm tree. "He wouldn't be the first person to be overly impressed with the phenomenally cosmic powers my Dad gave me for situations like this."

"I don't think God gave you angelic powers so ordinary people would ending up worshiping the likes of you," Sam remarked as he joined Gabriel under the tree. "I thought you were supposed to be his Messenger, and ya' know, point people to Him, not towards you."

"Well, when you have such a winning personality like me, can you blame them?" he asked with his trademark smirk. "But you're probably right. My powers weren't really designed to make me look like a god, I just fashioned that trick later in life. They're more to help hapless folks who are in over the heads from say, I don't know, Japanese ghouls they can't kill."

"Wait? That was you that took care of the O-dokuro?" Sam asked incredulously. "Was that why the explosion flashed brighter than it should have?"

"Of course it was me," Gabriel claimed. "Do you think that some lame sticky bomb that Dean-o came up was going to gank something as powerful as an O-dokuro? Terrible waste of Jell-O, too, if you ask me," he added as he glanced at the hunter sideways. "Unless you're going to tell me it was sugar-free, then I'll let it slide."

"I knew it!" Sam yelled, grabbing Gabriel by the shoulder. "You have been behind this the whole time. Is this just a game to you, playing with our lives? So where's my brother? Where are Dean and Cas?"

"Hey! Watch the merchandise!" Gabriel said, shaking Sam off. "They're fine. They've been fine the whole time. In fact, they are not too far from here right now."

"Then we are going there now," Sam gritted out as he stood up and pulled the archangel with him. "And I will deal with the fact that you lied to me later. Lead the way."

"Fine," muttered Gabriel as he brushed himself off. He led Sam in the direction he knew their brothers to be and in a few minutes the trees gave way to the beach and Sam could clearly see both Dean and Cas sitting by a fire. Leaving the archangel behind he ran up to them.

"Dean," he gasped. "Are you okay? How long have you guys been out here? Did Gabriel do anything to you?"

Dean pulled Sammy into a hug. "Naw, we're fine Sammy. Just another round of TV land, this time the reality TV hell version, that's all. I'm more worried about you. What did that freak do with you while he had us hidden away?"

"Sure, just go ahead and talk about me like I'm not here," Gabriel said as he sauntered in behind Sam. "None of you would be here now if it weren't for my ingenious plan."

"Ingenious plan?" Dean asked as he lunged at the archangel and grabbed him by the neck, strangling him with all of his might. "You stuck me on a reality game show that involved putting me on a plane to Tokyo, before I had to cook convenience store food for a bunch of snobs and then you stuck Cas and me here with a bunch of people whose idea of outwitting and outlasting is to act like you. God only knows what you did to Sammy while you were alone with him."

Gabriel easily disappeared from Dean's grasp and reappeared at Cas' side, rubbing his throat. "Geesh, what have they been feeding you out here Dean-o? My Dad isn't the only one that knows what Sammy and I did. There were witnesses," the angel said as he waggled his eyebrows. "Especially if you count the octopus and the gorilla."

"Why you little…" Dean yelled as he reached for Gabriel, only to be stopped by Cas.

"I don't think Gabriel intended to harm any of us Dean," Cas explained. "Perhaps we should let him explain."

"Yeah, and if your worried about your brother's virtue, I would be more concerned about the gorilla than little ole me," Gabriel quipped as he smoothed his shirt down.

"I don't even wanna know, do I?" Dean asked as he ran a hand over his face.

"No you don't," Sam answered. Turning to Gabriel he said, "You better start explaining, but keep it short."

"Alright, I'll admit that the grand scheme all along was to get you muttonheads to play your roles. I though it would be easier if I got Sammy all by his lonesome to say yes. But then I discovered that he had some nice jewelry that belonged to War, the kind that people like him don't usually give up because it's 'my precious'. Except round these parts, there are four rings instead of one and instead of getting you a nice little rhyme and a vacation to Mt. Doom, they open the door to Luci's Cage," Gabriel explained. "Now you and Sammy have one of those keys. I have an inside source that will get us another one. That just leaves us two more to get on our own. We get all four and instead of you two becoming prom dresses, all we would have to do is shove my idiot brother back into the joint and no more Apocalypse."

"Are you for real?" Dean asked incredulously. "We are just supposed to believe that you want us to form our own little fellowship of the rings to go off and search for another way to end this all? After everything you have done to us?"

"He's not lying about the rings Dean," Sam intervened. "The Four Horsemen; they each have one and I met Death. If we can get the others, he will give us his."

"Yeah, Lucifer has him by the short and curlies so even he is looking for another way out of this mess," Gabriel added.

"It is a plausible solution Dean," Cas pointed out. "Though it will be difficult to track down Famine and Pestilence."

"Fine, we'll do it," Dean finally conceded after a moment's consideration as he glanced at Gabriel. "I guess searching for rings is as good of a plan as any, especially since we are stuck with a fool of a Took over there."

*rta*rta*

The rag tag group arrived back at the motel that Sam and Gabriel had left behind courtesy of a Trickster finger snap. As Sam began to gather his things, Dean confronted the archangel. "You stuck me in all of those crappy reality shows," Dean scowled at Gabriel. "Didn't you once ever think about putting me on _Rock of Love _where I could hang out with someone other than a 'win the prize money at all costs' nut job?" The hunter began to day dream of hanging out with a rocker, giving him advice or even being a roadie until he was snapped back to reality when his brother accidentally bumped into him.

Gabriel stared at Dean in mild shock before a wicked grin spread across his face. "You continue to surprise me, Dean-o. I didn't think you were so flexible. But yeah," the angel said thoughtfully as he stroked his chin and gave Dean a slow once over. "Re-shape the frame, add a little extra padding, grow out that dirty blonde hair, stick on a tramp stamp and I think Deanna Winchester would be ready to fight off those other crazy bitches for a chance at trailer park living with _Poison_'s washed-up bad boy."

"I...uh...that's not…uh," Dean struggled to get the words out as the color drained from his face. Before he could pull himself together though he was thrown for another loop when Cas spoke up.

"What is a tramp stamp?" he asked, his blue eyes wide with curiosity.

"That bro, is a lesson for another day," Gabriel answered, slapping the younger angel on the back as he glanced at Dean with a smirk and Sam tried to suppress his laughter. As Sam gathered the last of his things, the group stepped out of the motel room and into the parking lot where the final reunion of the day took place.

"Oh my baby," Dean purred as he ran his hand along the hood of the Impala. "You look good. Did Sammy take care of you?"

"Of course I did," Sam said indignantly. "Does she look any worse for the wear?"

"Alright, move it along," Gabriel snorted pushing past the two brothers. "You can continue your epic love story with an inanimate object another time; right now we have jewelry to track down."

Dean snarled at the angel as the four of them piled into the Impala; Sam and Dean in the front, Gabriel and Cas in the back.

"Hey Dean-o, do you think you could find a find a radio station that plays Klingon opera music?" Gabriel asked as he tore open a package of Starbursts. "I'm in the mood for something ear shattering."

"Yeah well, too bad," Dean answered as he put the key in the ignition. "Because driver picks the music, shotgun shuts his cakehole and the backseat passengers can take a flying leap into the pit if they don't like it!"

As Dean started his car, he noticed a smear of peanut butter and chocolate on the steering wheeling while on the radio, a song that wasn't the usual fare blasted loudly through the Impala's speakers:

_She knows her mind all right, your Auntie Grizelda,_

_She says she knows my kind, she might, maybe so._

_Oh, yeah, she's raised you right, your Auntie Grizelda,_

_You only know the things she wants you to know._

_I know she's having a fit,_

_She doesn't like me a bit,_

_No bird of grace ever lit on Auntie Grizelda._

"Geesh Sammy!" Dean exclaimed as he turned off the radio. "What have you been doing in my baby? Listening to outdated music like that and you don't even like peanut butter cups."

"I know, it's a crying shame isn't? Nothing I tried could get the kid to eat any," Gabriel interrupted as he propped his feet on the back of the front seat. "But don't dis the music Dean-o, it's timeless. Might even open your eyes to a thing or two."

Dean whipped his head around to stare at the archangel before slowly turning on his brother. "You let that…that psychotic douche bag with wings drive my baby?" Dean shrieked, the veins in his forehead throbbing as he grabbed Sam by the front of his shirt. "I am going to kill you!"

"Is that before or after we throw my brother back in the Cage? Because I am pretty sure Luci can bring him back if he needs him as, ya' know a vessel or something," Gabriel observed. Leaning over to Cas he whispered, "Not that I couldn't bring the kid back myself but the look of terror on Sam's face right now is priceless. I don't think dear old Luci could scare him that badly."

"Hey, he actually knows how to drive. I made sure of that before I gave him the keys," Sam pleaded in self-defense. "No Impalas were harmed in the course of our mission to get to you."

"There is peanut butter and chocolate on my steering wheel," Dean said through gritted teeth. "What else did he do? You know, I'm not sure I even want to know the answer to that question."

"Aw come on, now," Gabriel shrugged as he let another candy wrapper flutter to the floor. "What's done is done. Does that really matter as long as I cleaned it up?"

Dean let go of Sam, knocked Gabriel's feet off the back of the seat and shot them both death glares. Cas, who had been quietly observing this up until now finally said from the back seat, "If Gabriel was allowed to drive, I don't understand why you will not teach me how to operate your vehicle Dean."

"See what you started Sammy," Dean seethed as he pulled out of the parking lot. "How is this my life?"


	5. Bonus Feature

**Title**: Road to the Apocalypse

**Author**: AuntMo

**Artist**: Vivian Tanner

**Genre**: Gen; Comedy/Humor

**Pairing (if applicable)**: None

**Rating**: PG-13 for language  
><strong>Warnings:<strong> Language; while the overall story is a comedy because it takes place during the Apocalypse there are mentions of massacres and a mention of a past run-in with a pedophile. Spoilers through 5.19 Hammers of the Gods, though it goes AU after 5.10 Abandon All Hope

**Tier/Word Count:** 5k/18,881 words (entire story)

**Disclaimer:** I do not own Supernatural or any of its characters. Nor do I own any of the Road to films or any of the other dozen or so television shows referenced herein. This was all just written for my enjoyment and hopefully yours as well.  
><strong>Summary:<strong> Shortly after the events at Carthage, on a seemingly normal hunt, Dean and Cas disappear. Not knowing who else to turn to and fearing the worst, Sam asks Gabriel for his help in locating both of their brothers. In return, Sam reluctantly agrees that Gabriel can feel free to try and convince Sam to play his role in the Apocalypse, he just isn't making any promises that he will consent to anything.

What follows next is an adventure that pays tribute to the Bing Crosby and Bob Hope _Road to_ movies, with a trip to a carnival where Sam has to wrestle an octopus. And Dean and Cas have disappeared into a unique set of problems of their own, leaving Dean to suspect that Sam might be in more trouble than he realizes.

**A/N**: Written for the sabriel_mini challenge over on livejournal. To see the art that goes with the story, you will need to find the links on my journal over there (auntmo9). I owe a debt of gratitude to my betas Jesse A Harper and novakev. Jesse A Harper has been with me all the way as a sounding board and general all around cheerleader, while novakev graciously agreed to come in late in the game and read the whole thing over as someone with an outsider's opinion. I also owe some thanks yous to some other wonderful people, but to do so now who give away some spoilers, so look for an additional note at the end.

Bonus Feature: How a Crosby/Hope Classic Translated into a Supernatural Fic, as told by an Archangel.

"Is this it? Is this where you want me to be? Alright geesh, quit your shoving, I'll do your dirty work you lazy good for nothing...

"Okay, so I know this is the part where most authors stick their notes and all that, but yours is a little lazy, so she bribed me to come out here and explain it to all you muttonheads. You should probably recognize me because I've been keeping you entertained for however long it takes you to read one of these things. But in case you're one of the freaks like the author here who skips to the end to read everything, I'm known around the galaxy as Gabriel, archangel, Messenger of God, in some parts known as Loki, the Trickster god when I was in my own witness protection program, also just all around handsome dude known the world over for his brilliance and sense of humor and of course sometimes to the Winchesters I'm just a general pain-in-the-a...ow...alright, alright, I will get on with it. Geesh, considering the fact that I'm only working for peanuts here, you think she would be nicer to me. No, it's not really peanuts, it's peanut M & M's...

"Anywho...on to the notes. So it says here that M & M's Plain Chocolate candies were introduced in 1941 as a means to spur flagging chocolate sales, and they really were first introduced to the US military, but that whole Skip Muck thing, geesh you people, talk about an overused plot device…hey, okay, I'll get on it with it. There also really is a Japanese ghoul in folk lore known as the O-dokuro. Yeah, I should know. I went up against one of those things back in '64. 1564 that is. And that yes all that tragedy happened in Independence...ya'know, it would be a lot easier if you just said all that stuff in the prologue was well researched instead of making me read this...OW...are you going to poke me every time I get out of line?

"Fine, fine...so onto what truly inspired this story...so that is what they are calling it these days when you are too lazy or too stupid to come up with an original idea of your own, huh? Inspiration. I will have to remember that one. Like those section titles that were inspired by animated shorts from Bugs Bunny and Wallace and Gromit. OW...geesh, I'm also going to have to remember to move every time I insult you, too.

"So, this story was 'inspired by' the Bob Hope and Bing Crosby classic _Road to_ movie series, which include such films as _Road to Morocco, Road to Utopia _and the _Road to Zanzibar_. Those guys were comic geniuses…geniuses, really? I mean, hey they would have been nothing with out me. _I_ inspired them, okay lady…I gave them some pretty good material, too. There were some pretty good running gags that all of those films had like breaking the fourth wall. The story you just read didn't really have that, but I guess you could say we are doing that little shtick now.

"And of course, in all of the films, those mooks were con-artists trying to make money, in ways that never quite worked out, because they weren't as smart as me. So anyway, Bing was the brains of the operation, coming up with the ideas and Bob had to do all the dirty work. So, obviously I was Bing, the handsome dude in this story, and Sammy was that other guy. Speaking of being handsome, Sammy made me swear off women because that was one of those stupid things those muttonheads did in their films, too. They would usually promise to not allow women to interfere with their plans, and both would immediately see a woman and forget that promise. Bing's character, aka the handsome dude, aka _moi_, would usually get the girl in the end but your author is too much of a slacker to throw in a little romance because she thinks it would detract from the rest of the story…what-_ever_…so you only got a cameo from Dorothy Lamour, who was such a hottie by the way, as the waitress at the diner. Dorothy was the romantic interest in all of the _Road to_ films.

"Then we get to the "patty cake" routine before throwing punches, you caught that, right? Bing and Bob overused that if you asked me, but it was kind of funny to see two grown men play patty cake before punching out some loser who didn't see it coming. And I had no choice here because Sammy didn't want anybody to see me use my powers and get the mistaken idea that I am actually a god…geesh he can be such a stick in the mud at times.

"Now that I have wasted your time and mine pointing out the general themes that are consistent in those flicks, I think I have to point out some things that the author just flat out lifted from specific films…you know to point out the fact that she lacks creativity of her own….OW….okay, okay…was using to 'paying tribute' to those films. In _Road to Morocco_ Bing and Bob played two schmucks by the names of Jeff Peters and Orville 'Turkey' Jackson. I'm sure you remember seeing the name Orville popping up. Anyway, Jeff sold Orville off into slavery to a princess and she mentioned that in the story briefly. She also made me sing a few lines from the song "Road to Morocco", though I got to change a line here and there, because I am my own man…put that away...I'll tell the truth…she changed the line, alright, that good enough for you?

"Then there's the _Road to Utopia_, where the mooks played Duke Johnson and Chester Hooton and if any of you were paying attention when I was spinning the yarn about the two of them that was basically the plot about that movie. Well, except the part about me trying to prank them.

"The film she, uh-hem, stole the most from was _Road to Zanzibar_. Like in all the other films, Crosby and Hope played a couple of shysters except here they have a carnival act where Hope gets shot out of a cannon and through a ring of fire. Of course, it's all a scam. Not a bad trick if I do say so myself. The problem is, they start a fire and get run out of town. They aren't the brightest bulbs in the bunch. Crosby's always trying to come up with the next scam and he suggests Hope wrestle with an octopus, which Hope refused to do. That is where your author here came up with the idea of a carnival and Sammy wrestling an octopus and since I am, shall we say, a little more persuasive where the kid is concerned, he did actually end up wrestling an octopus, of sorts. I got a kick out of that. Then there was the whole scene with the tribe. In the movie, that happened in Africa, but the writer here moved it to an island and proceeded to borrow quite a few lines straight from the movie because she thought they sounded better come from a, hey wait a minute…I think that is an insult…what do you mean if the shoe fits?

"Geesh...so, near the end when…oh yeah, you caught that did you? I was wondering if anyone noticed how I slipped that that song on to the radio. Dean can really be an 'Auntie Grizelda' type sometimes if you think about. No, I am not going to elaborate on that. But these people are welcome to spend time Googling the Monkees if they want to. That's what YouTube is for after all; they might even learn a thing or two about the Mozzarella Brothers while they are at it. Now, apparently what your author got out of these films was the buddy aspect of these two scamps on the road and she took it and ran with it. So that is why you got such a lousy ending, or should I say, no ending at all. I mean, who leaves their readers with that? Do you even know if we get the other rings or not? Come on lady...hmm, what's that you say? You might write a sequel...how do you know I am even willing to show up and participate in a sequel...I am not going to work for peanut M & M's forever...what?...pie...well, now then, that might be a possibility.

"Okay, it's about time to wrap it all up here and she says I have to read this word for word or she won't ever let me come out again….ever. Really? You call that a threat lady…and who do you think you are, threatening an angel of the Lord, do you even believe in my Dad? …what do you mean I am not really the archangel Gabriel?….just a fictional representation of him from the mind of Eric Kripke...what you do mean my Dad is much more awesome and impressive than a bearded, pajama wearing drunk who writes bad fiction?….you're really pushing it, do you know that?...fine, okay, I'll read it….and I quote 'If anyone thinks it is easy to try and wrangle plots bunnies that involve certain 'fictional' archangels, then I would try and caution them about trying to share mind space with said archangels who have questionable mental health stability'...hey what do you mean 'questionable mental health stability'...there are no questions...all of them have been answered…I was tested!...that's it, lady, you can finish this on your own...I am out of here!"

**A/N** **2:** So, since my accomplice has made a hasty retreat, I will take this opportunity to step forward and acknowledge a few other people. First of all, a shout out to Maat, who in one of her fics, had Dean refer to her fabulous OC as "Armageddon Barbie." This not only gave me the idea for Dean to use the term "Survivor Barbie", but also triggered my memory that there have been contestants on that show referred to as such. Then there is San Antonio Rose, who on more than one occasion has had Gabriel interfere with the radio to play a song that a character needs to hear and she was gracious enough to allow me to use that idea here. In fact, all of these ladies were kind enough to let me use ideas that I first saw in their stories. All three of them have wonderful fics so if you are looking for something to read, I suggest you go check out their work. And that brings me finally to Tari Roo, who first used the concept of trying to explain the idea of a tramp stamp to a bemused outsider, though in her case it was Ronon of SG-A.

Now, just fyi, I have the vaguest of ideas for a sequel, but no time frame as of yet as to when I will start writing it.

Thank you so much for reading!


End file.
